Saudade

I have been trying to sleep on the right side of the bed like you always did,for me. I promise I’d let you have the left side had you stayed.
I have started to have the pizza crust that I’d leave for you, it doesn’t taste as good though.Oh and I try to not finish the coke before the meal since I don’t have yours to steal from.
I also go out for a smoke sometimes. That lets me have the taste your mouth did and or maybe because that’s the closest I can get to your breath?

I have kept all your clothes that I borrowed and never returned. They still smell like you although it’s started to wane. I wonder what I’ll do once it vanishes or leaves just like you did.
I go to the beach and build sandcastles like we did as kids ,calling it ours, calling each other ours.
I dance on our favourite songs, do the moves that you once loved. Oh that reminds me of love. Why did love not leave,when you did?
I know I should not, but I still love the idea of us.

Maybe that’s why I hold in everything that we were,everything that we could be.
In me I hold the habits of you slowly inculcating them,making them mine.
Because that’s the only way I can be the closest to you.

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Overlooked love.

 

                                   There’s something so beautiful and alluring about love. Everyone talks about how it helps you grow and brings out the best in you. How it feels like to love and to be loved. And then people also talk about how it destroys you. The way it dismantles you and breaks you after it’s gone. They talk about scars and healing and forgiving and believing and of course,hope.                                                                                          But what people don’t talk about is the hardship and distress you endure while sustaining it. The days when you don’t feel like you’re in love. The days when you want  to give up on something or someone. The days when you feel so lost and restless that you cannot find your way back. The days you shut your eyes in anguish trying hard to not let go.

       Yes. That. Let’s talk about that.

The one.

We all have lovers or rather let me just state it as a record,as a conservative estimate,most of us do. Someone you can’t do without,somone who is so alluring as a person,someone so irresistible,someone who’d whisper endearments and cuddle with you at the same time.Someone who cares, your special someone.

Sounds perfect,no?!

But what haunts me the most, is the fact that, despite of having this kind of liaison and affinity,there’s this one person who crosses your mind,at some point of your day, who you wish was the one doing all this for you. That person may or may not exist in your life anymore or probably was never a part of it, but deep down there, you’ll always wish or have a yearning hope, that your special someone was HIM.

I remember when..

We often hear that not everyone is destined to stay in our life forever. Things change and people leave. They always leave. But then, there are people who come in our lives for a brief period of time and leave an impact so powerful, like a scar forever.

I stumbled upon a person who left an imprint on me. Forever. He made me feel like I’m everything and left without saying anything. After all, the hardest goodbyes are the ones that are never said. No, he was not my lover, nor my childhood friend, not someone from my workplace or from some social site. He was a companion, yoke mate I’d say.

We met each other in a very odd manner. Our friendship bloomed over the time only to realise that we’d be the best of friends one day. We shared something so beautiful and amazing, something that can never be described in words. Something, I thought would last forever.

I remember waking up to each other’s calls and messages, those never ending conversations and video calls. Everyday we’d discover something new about each other. I still remember the day when he told me how my thoughts inspire him, how he longed to share something like this with someone.That very moment, I knew that we’d always stand by each other, we’d have each others back, come what may. I have a picture perfect memory of our happy faces and the warmest hug I received that day.

That was the last time I saw him. A few days passed, everything was good, until one morning when I woke up to a devastating text. He’d messaged me saying we can’t be friends anymore. It took time to sink in. Before I could even understand or react he disappeared. He was gone. I tried contacting him in every possible way and was only disappointed in return. That day, something inside me broke so bad, I was shattered. It felt like someone stole the most precious thing I ever owned. I didn’t want to accept it. Everyday I would convince myself that things will be fine and someday he’d come around again. Every time my phone rang or popped a message, I secretly hoped it would be him.

It has been a few years now, he never turned back. The surprising fact is I still have a little hope left. He was my troop, my army, the calm to my storm.

You know, it’s not like I don’t have any friends or family. I have friends to die for. But he was a part of my small little world in this whole wide world and no one will ever be able to replace him.

I keep wondering, if I ever cross his mind? Does he even remember me? What if someday we cross each other’s path? Will he acknowledge me? Will he bother to look at me and give a smile or will he just look through me? I don’t know what it’ll be like, but I can only hope. And a beloved friend of mine always says, that hope is enough.